News & Politics

Nancy Pelosi Military Tribunal, the Conclusion

“What is this, a trick? We’re still married. He can’t be made to testify against me,” Nancy spat as Vice Admiral Crandall invited Paul Pelosi to the witness stand.

“No one’s forcing him to do anything,” Vice Adm. Crandall replied. “He’s speaking voluntarily, and his testimony will be heard.”

Paul Pelosi had a story to tell.

Although Nancy and he had married in 1963, they hadn’t been truly betrothed since 2007, when she for the first time ascended to Speaker of the House and developed an unquenchable thirst for undiluted power. Paul wove a tragic tale. As Nancy’s influence surged, her affection for him waned, as did his for her—years afterward. Paul defined their post-2007 marriage as pragmatic, to give the world the illusion that the couple, despite personal ambitions, had a stable, civil household. But that fantasy life, Paul said, was an elaborate misdirection.

It was clear that Vice Adm. Crandall was giving Paul Pelosi the necessary latitude to paint an unflattering portrait of Nancy.

The longer Nancy served, the nastier she got, Paul said, and she quickly and rightfully became known as a congressional bitch. Paul became her personal pinata. On bad days—when someone either challenged her authority or disagreed with a political viewpoint—she drank heavily and browbeat Paul until he embraced alcohol as a coping mechanism, to endure and survive her daily verbal onslaught. Nancy, a consummate alcoholic, disdained Paul’s drinking, and frequently accused him of being a drunk while she herself was intoxicated beyond all reasonable comprehension. Paul said he had on several occasions threatened to leave her.

“When I did, Admiral Crandall, she said she’d ruin me,” Paul Pelosi said. “I was a punching bag she could torment. She needed someone close to her to torment—it was her nature.”

He went on to say he felt momentarily relieved in 2010 when Republicans won the House and John Boehner supplanted her as Speaker.

“I made the mistake of thinking having fewer responsibilities might temper her attitude,” Paul Pelosi said. “That she’d have less stress. I was so wrong. She just got meaner, and I bore the brunt of her anger. You must understand that she thrives on conflict, and will create it when there is none around. She hates almost everyone—if she perceives you a threat or competition, she’ll devote her life to unravelling yours like a ball of yarn. And she’ll keep pulling those threads until a bigger threat comes along. You know what she hates most? That there are women younger and prettier than she is in Congress. I went through years of hell, forced to sleep on the couch, which really got to be a blessing, being told to eat frozen dinners while she feasted on the most expensive meals money can buy and bought lavish gifts for lovers—and there were quite a few. So, 2018 rolls around and once again she’s made Speaker.”

Paul Pelosi was silent a moment, and then his face went grave.

“After it became very clear Donald Trump would be the Republican nominee, she says to me very matter-of-factly, ‘If I can’t kill Trump, you’ll have to do.’”

Paul Pelosi described that as his “oh, shit!” moment, for he feared that his wife could and would make good on the threat. Nancy, he said, had an unhealthy obsession for Trump from the start. Her every spoken word invoked his name, and her every spoken sentence was laden with colorful adjectives describing how she felt about Trump, the Trump family, and the Trump empire. When Trump appeared on television, or at a rally, Nancy went berserk, retreating into the bottle and berating and threatening Paul until he, in a moment of clarity, realized he had to protect himself from Nancy’s unending wrath. He began to surreptitiously record phone conversations between his wife and parties unknown—discussing Trump’s demise. He copied incriminating data from Nancy’s computers to SD cards, which he then buried in places Nancy would never find them. He had hired a private investigator to shadow Nancy’s movements. The investigator had tailed her to countless meetings with her lovers and to shadowy spots in San Francisco and the Washington area where she handed off envelopes of cash to suspicious-looking persons, ostensibly hit men or their representatives.

Vice Admiral Crandall played audio of Nancy Pelosi screaming on the telephone: “I paid you in advance three million dollars to put a damn bomb on Trump’s plane. When are you going to do it?” Her speech was slurred, as if drunk. “Or give me my damn money back.”

According to Paul, the conversation took place on May 17, 2017, three days before President Trump travelled aboard Air Force One to the Middle East. When furious Nancy hung up the phone, she cucked Paul by divulging tales of her trysts with various lovers, who took care of her in ways Paul never could.

“It’s absurd to think even the most competent assassin could sabotage the president’s plane,” Vice Admiral Crandall said. “We could not identify whom she spoke to, but, thanks to Mr. Pelosi, we have proof in the form of financial transactions that she wired $3m to a bank account in the Cayman Islands five days before the call.”

He showed the panel Nancy’s bank statements.

“Mr. Pelosi, why didn’t you bring any of this to the Secret Service?” Vice Adm. Crandall asked.

“Because it’s rife with corruption, and it’s likely they would have disappeared me. The Secret Service is Deep State,” Paul Pelosi replied.

“Like your wife?”

“Yes, like Nancy,” Paul Pelosi said.

“Mr. Pelosi told us how to procure his evidence after his own trial,” Vice Adm. Crandall told the panel. “He could have shared it sooner, before his trial, and used it as a bargaining chip. But he didn’t. Mr. Pelosi, why didn’t you?”

“The truth of it is, I felt safer here than out there. Here I’m protected, while she was free parading around with actor Sam Waterston wearing makeup to look like me.”

“Thank you, Mr. Pelosi. Your cooperation in this matter will be taken into consideration. As for the defendant, It’s JAG’s opinion that we’ve proven beyond reasonable doubt that Nancy Pelosi committed treason and conspiracy to commit murder against President Donald J. Trump. It matters not if a bomb was ever planted. It is our recommendation that the defendant be hanged for her crimes,” Vice Adm. Crandall said.

The panel unanimously agreed, and Vice Adm. Crandall set an execution date for December 27.

Author’s note: For the sake of brevity, I have omitted Covid stuff from the article. In short, Paul had documents and digital data proving that Nancy had accepted nearly $63m from the Treasury Department in exchange for supporting mask and vaccine mandates, and pushing lockdowns.

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