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Putin Frees 35,000 Imprisoned Children in Ukraine

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Russian President Vladimir Putin on Saturday told Donald J. Trump that his “Special Military Operation” in Ukraine had liberated 35,000 children from indentured servitude at what he called “Eastern Europe’s nexus for worldwide sale of especially young children,” said a Mar-a-Lago source privy to conversations between the world’s two most powerful leaders.

If Putin’s words have been sincere, his original reason for entering Ukraine was to obliterate bioweapon laboratories funded by the U.S., Western Europe, and Israel. But when Russian Special Forces, or Spetznas, accidentally stumbled upon a pedophile encampment in central Ukraine and learned hundreds of such facilities dotted the Ukrainian landscape, Putin championed a new cause: Crushing every “filth and scum” pedophile and razing every infernal child trafficking ring infesting the “Godless country.”

On Saturday, Putin revealed to Trump that approximately 35,000 children, most of whom are Russian, were freed from sexual enslavement after his forces identified and discretely targeted 150 trafficking covens.

“These liberations were mostly carried out by Russian Spetznas. Putin told Trump he couldn’t arbitrarily bomb the camps because he had no way of knowing if children were inside or even if the child traffickers were still overseeing the operations. At many places, the traffickers had fled because of the war, leaving the kids behind to fend for themselves,” our source said.

Not all trafficking dens, however, were hidden away in remote, inaccessible areas of the Ukrainian countryside.

According to Putin, Special Forces found an expansive child trafficking syndicate in an office building only two blocks distance from the Government House, Volodymyr Zelenskyy’s primary place of business, in downtown Kyiv. Spetznas infiltrated the structure, killed 8 traffickers, and beheld a truly gruesome scene: Sixty-five children were kenneled in cramped cages.

“This, President Trump, is why we fight. That the dog Zelenskyy didn’t know of this is impossible. It was right under his nose. All across Ukraine we find Russian children, Ukrainian children, children from Europe and, yes, more from the United States. The evil men behind this—they must be crushed, exterminated. Ukraine is large, and these filth have had decades to work horrors,” Putin told Trump.

Moreover, Putin said Spetznas had recovered a dusty ledger from a storage building in the Port of Mariupol. Child traffickers had converted the building into a processing center from where children had been shipped in and out of Ukraine. The ledger, Putin said, held made-up names, dates, genders, and ages of children whom traffickers had shipped out of country. The earliest date in the ledger was March 2, 2005.

“It’s unbelievable, absolutely unbelievable, how long this has been happening,” Trump reportedly said to Putin. “What you’re doing is incredible, really incredible, but the world just doesn’t believe it.”

Putin said he didn’t care what the world thought of him, for his mission was virtuous and honorable, and he vowed to traverse all of Eastern Europe, if necessary, to achieve an onerous and necessary goal.

“These criminals have worked evil here since 1991, too long. Now it stops,” Putin said.

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