News & Politics

JAG Convicts Education Secretary Miguel Cardona

A panel tasked with deciding Education Secretary Miguel Cardona’s fate Monday morning found the pronoun-loving, gender-affirming goon guilty of child endangerment after deliberating only 15 minutes.

As reported previously, Cardona was arrested Thanksgiving Day when U.S. Marines under General David H. Berger’s command paid a surprise visit to the Cardona’s home. The Marines had also taken Cardona’s wife Marissa into custody, ostensibly as an accomplice to her husband’s alleged crimes.

At 10:00 a.m. a pair of muscular Marines escorted a handcuffed Cardona into GITMO’s south courtroom and seated him in an upholstered chair behind a curved oak table, atop which sat a drinking glass and a pitcher of water.  To his right, three Navy officers—the panel—were sitting at a similar but smaller table, thumbing through a stack of papers; in front of him stood Vice Adm. Darse E. Crandall, who, dressed in a crisply starched Class-A uniform bristling with ribbons, leered at Cardona from behind his black-rim spectacles.

“Detainee Cardona, you’ve chosen to appear today without the benefit of counsel, is that correct?” Vice Adm. Crandall said.

Cardona raised his voice. “I haven’t chosen anything. I didn’t choose to be here. You dragged me here. Where’s my wife? No, I don’t want a lawyer. You think I don’t know what this is? I know what goes on here, in your little underworld. Defense attorneys here are nothing but props. I can speak for myself.”

“Let’s get to it then,” said Vice Adm. Crandall. “I have a busy week.”

He projected onto a large screen television images of letters Cardona had written and sent to Los Angeles Unified School District Superintendent Austin Beutner. The text encouraged Beutner to implement gender studies courses across the greater Los Angeles area—to 4th graders. “Modern times mandate transformative education,” Cordova wrote. “Gone is the era of two genders. Fluidity is the future. The [Biden] administration and I are constructing a cohesive plan to introduce gender fluidity courses in elementary schools nationwide. You, an advocate of trangenderism, are in a key position to move this forward. Your participation, needless to say, will advance your career.”

Cardona had sent similar letters to school superintendents in Spokane, Seattle, New York City, Detroit, Chicago, Lansing, San Francisco, Austin, Houston, Dallas, Baltimore, Philadelphia, New Orleans, and Denver—all asking his underlings to embrace gender affirmation, hormone blockers, and gender reassignment surgery as the “new normal” in a progressive society. One letter to New Orleans Superintendent Dr. Avis Williams mentioned ways children could hide sexual reassignment from their parents.

Vice Admiral Crandall cleared his throat. “New normal. Now there’s a term we’ve heard before, in different context.”

Cardona interjected, “This is absolute absurdity. Forming a curriculum is not a crime, it’s my job—”

“—Your job to corrupt and indoctrinate young children to conform to your ideology,” Vice Admiral Crandall interrupted him. “When I was a kid, I had a Cassio watch with a pushbutton calculator. It’s amazing what kids have today—watches and glasses that take photos and video.”

A video appeared on the large screen TV. It showed Cardona addressing a 4th grade class at Garden Grove Elementary School in Simi Valley, California. In it, Cardona held a pair of scissors, the kind kids use to cut construction paper, snipping it over and over as he told the class “This is how boys become girls” and said that “boys have a God-given right to be girls and girls have a God-given right to be boys.” He explained to the class that puberty blockers, a “safe and effective medication like Covid vaccines,” could inhibit the growth of biological traits until boys and girls decide “who they want to be in life.” He said boys should experiment wearing girls’ clothes, and vice versa, insisting it was the natural order of things.

Vice Admiral Crandall admonished him. “You don’t consider this child endangerment? Treason? This is treason against the Republic and against every child and parent in the United States of America.”

“Hardly,” Cardona said.

The admiral summoned a witness, Cardona’s wife Marissa, to the stand.

“My love,” Cardona shouted. “What is this? My wife cannot be compelled to testify against me.”

“No one’s compelled her to do anything, detainee Cardona. She’s a cooperating witness,” Vice Admiral Crandall said.

“Mrs. Cardona, will you please repeat today what you told us last week,” Vice Adm. Crandall said.

“I am not a Cardona. I spit on that name. I am a Perez. Miguel, he was once a good man, really he was. But he changed. When our children were young, he told them to wear each other’s clothes. He made Miguel Jr. wear training bra and pink panties, and Celine men’s briefs. He said he wanted to see what she look like with a penis and put a plantain under her pants. Then he fondles the plantain. I know this was wrong, but scared to say anything. Miguel told me all boys and all girls should be both boys and girls at same time. He told Miguel Jr. he should have a slit where his penis is,” Marissa Perez told the panel.

Cardona objected. “What did you do to her? She’s using mental gymnastics to twist everything.”

“I admit, this is an unusual case for JAG and the Office of Military Commissions. We usually prosecute murderers, pedophiles, Deep Staters guilty of seditious conspiracy. We’re in uncharted territory here, but this man, Miguel Cardona, if set free will continue to do everything humanly possible to corrupt the minds and bodies of our nation’s children. It’s my recommendation the defendant be incarcerated no less than 20 years,” Vice Adm. Crandall said.

The panel rejected the treason charge but acceded to the charge of child endangerment, authoring an adjudication that said “Miguel Cardona presents and ongoing threat to children of the United States and to the premise of a nuclear family. Therefore, it is the commission’s opinion that Mr. Cardona be incarcerated at Guantanamo Bay for a period of 20 years, irrespective of existential circumstances.”

Cardona, none too happy, shouted invectives at the court and at his wife as Marines escorted him from the courtroom.

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