News & Politics

Alec Baldwin Hanged in Crazy Execution

Here's What People Are Buying Right Now!

The men responsible for effecting Deep State executions have seen it all. Or have they? From Gavin Newsom’s demonic homily to Loretta Lynch’s sudden transformation to a Born-Again Christian, GITMO hangings have been replete with unexpected twist endings and theatricality. And a bloated Alec Baldwin, who was hanged there Wednesday morning, expanded that tradition with an outburst both comedic and acrimonious.

Somehow a handcuffed Baldwin had writhed his prison pants and underwear down to his ankles while being driven from Camp Delta to the execution site. He appeared from the Humvee half-naked, exposing himself to Vice Admiral Darse E. Crandall and 3 other officers there to witness the hanging.

“Born naked, die naked,” Baldwin shouted, sweat dripping from his flabby jowl. “How do you like me now, Admiral Crandall? And F*** you, Donald Trump. I made you famous.”

President Trump was not present.

Before addressing Baldwin, Vice Adm. Crandall publicly reprimanded the chaperones, demanding to know how Baldwin’s disrobement had gone unnoticed and why both soldiers were seated up front. He called it a dereliction of duty and a violation of standard operating procedures. He commanded the soldier who had been riding shotgun to pull up Baldwin’s pants.

By that time, though, Baldwin was lying prone on a damp patch of grass, squirming around.

“Hey, Crandall, did you know I played a colonel in Pearl Harbor, with Kate Beckinsale. Don’t think I wasn’t tapping that,” Baldwin said, and began humping the ground.

“Tase him now,” Vice Adm. Crandall barked.

“We should just put a bullet in his brain,” an officer present said.

“Not procedure,” Vice Adm. Crandall replied.

The soldiers who had driven Baldwin to the gallows unholstered their tasers, then fired the small, barbed darts at Baldwin’s exposed skin. He trembled a moment but seemed otherwise unharmed. The soldiers helped him atop the platform where another soldier whose uniform bore no rank or insignia fitted him with a rope necklace.

The rest of the event went as planned. Baldwin, shaken but conscious, offered no resistance as Vice Adm. Crandall gave the “execute” command.

Baldwin was pronounced dead at 10:15 a.m. Wednesday morning.

Vice Adm. Crandall, obviously exasperated, said he was tired of being a “circus ringmaster.”

Most Popular

To Top